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a little bit lost and

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Apr. 23rd, 2011 | 04:10 am
hearing: On A Good Day - Oceanlab

I used to rant here when I needed someone to talk to -- it was extremely introverted of me but also very self-sufficient. I've felt an unnatural amount of anxiety throughout the day due to the domino effect my nerves normally exhibit, to the point where I had to get up and leave the people I was with -- something I haven't had to do for quite a while. I thought I was over that sort of thing, but I really needed to get out of there.

I'm a little disappointed in myself that something like this has sent me spiraling back towards being an total introvert and lacking any self confidence. What's worse is that the two people I normally depend on to talk or be around for these sorts of things are unavailable, and, well, with all honesty, it would've been nice to have a shoulder to cry on, so to speak.

This brought me to another revelation that has been bothering me for a while, and that subsequently brought on a fresh load of anxiety that I'm still trying to work off -- I can't really talk to Matt. It's unfortunate, but I just don't feel comfortable enough to really talk to him. It's different than it was with Keith, because even if Keith would twist around every word I said, he would at least listen in the first place. Matt, I feel like, is on a completely different plane of existence. It's uncanny how uncomfortable I get to be around him. I'm much more comfortable around his friends than I am him, even.

He doesn't like me, he just likes me; he's trying to learn to like me though, which puts me in a very strange position. I want to treat him as a boyfriend, because he is -- but I don't feel comfortable doing so. While I am still flattered that he liked me enough to ask me out in the first place, part of me wishes I hadn't accepted so that I could have gotten to know him more as a friend first. If I fucked up or did something stupid there, there wouldn't be anything to lose, really. Everything seems a lot more precarious once a "relationship" is involved. I would really like to sit down and talk with him sometime and perhaps try to explain these things to him, but he doesn't really seem to be the talking type. He's always busy to boot, and I feel bad when I interrupt him.

You know, I've been trying to pinpoint the unknown source of my anxiety for the better part of the night, and I think I understand it now. Initially, yes, it was the familial issues and waiting for that call from my mom that was making me jittery and nervous, but, well -- I've dealt with this a lot in the past year. It doesn't make it any less serious, but it does make it a lot closer to the norm, and thus, something I'm used to dealing with. That probably sounds awful, but honestly, once this flurry is over, things will be a lot calmer for everyone, I think. Especially mama, which is actually who I'm concerned about the most.

But I digress; my current state of anxiety was put upon me because I had absolutely no idea how to divulge this information with Matt. I didn't even feel comfortable telling him the whole situation, I just mentioned vaguely that there was a sort of familial... incident. That someone had gotten hurt. He said he was sorry, gave me a hug and said we could talk about if I wanted to -- and I honestly didn't. I'm used to rambling heedlessly to anyone willing to listen, and I've done that to him before, too. But I guess I just realized that I don't really know him, and... well, what did it matter if he knew? He doesn't understand the situation, he doesn't know my family -- maybe he never will. I guess it was one of those "you never seemed to care much before, why start now?" things I tend to do. I know it's not really a good thing I do that, but I suppose I take offense to weird things. Like I said, I would like to be able to sit down and talk to him sometime. But that never really seems like a valid option.

Okay, for Future Me's sake, a recollection: the entire night I've been a little spacey. Thinking about various things -- going to the hospital tomorrow to visit someone who is not entirely in their right mind (yes, and I am just fantastic at dealing with those situations), if there's any way to help out mama, feeling like I'm a terrible person in general for not being around my family more often, etc. Matt continually asks if I'm okay, to which I respond that I am, even though I'm not entirely sure if I am. A knot of anxiety the likes of which I have not felt in a long time has settled in my stomach and refuses to be quelled; on the contrary, it continues to grow as the night goes on, despite my attempts at just hanging out with friends and relaxing. Eventually I get up and leave, apparently quite abruptly according to Matt, because it gets to be too much to deal with in a public setting, and I head back to the dorm. But even after settling onto my bed in my pajamas with a cup of tea, that knot in my stomach refuses to go away. I don't know what to do to get rid of it -- tea is my panacea for anxiety attacks and my room is my haven. If I'm not comfortable in that setting, I don't know what the fuck to do.

Eventually Matt comes knocking and asks if I'm okay. I tell him, finally, that I'm not really, and explain to him my anxiety issues (to some extent at least -- I don't think he quite grasps how neurotic I actually am). I want to talk to him while he's there, but we end up sitting in silence and just watching TV. My nerves go through the roof and get worse every second he's there. In time, he leaves, and I'm left feeling oddly empty and strange. He'd said if he wants, he'd leave his door open for me and I could go wake him up at any time. I feel like a tool, but regardless I message him and tell him that I really don't want to be alone right then. I really miss Bro being there around now -- he would stay up with me all night if I asked him to, and I wouldn't feel like a douche for keeping him awake. But that's not an option, so I go upstairs intending to actually talk to Matt -- and lose my nerve entirely. I asked him I think one question that I wanted to the entire hour or so I was there, and he didn't even give me a direct answer. I leave and come downstairs feeling as high strung as ever and desperately needing someone to talk to. Thankfully Tissue was around for me to rant to -- and I think that's when I realized that it really sucks that one of my wow buddies is easier to put my trust in and talk to than my own damn boyfriend. No offense to Tissue, he's a great guy and has proven himself a very good friend on several occasions, but. Sigh.

I suppose between dealing with mama insisting, despite being on the verge of tears, that she doesn't need help with anything and she's fine and I don't have to worry about anything, the whole ordeal with Matt, and my usual lack luster academic performance, I am back to that feeling of being completely extraneous to the world. It really seems like I'm destined to feel like this for my entire life. It doesn't seem to matter what I do, whether I stay conservative and introverted in my views and actions, or force myself out of my comfort zone and be outgoing and social, I always end up back at this point. I feel worthless and stupid, and everything in my life feels superficial and worthless. I really like the new people that I've met and get to hang out with, and I don't mean at all that they're superficial as people. It's just my relationships with them that are, and I hate that sort of thing. I guess I'm not really that good at connecting with people like that. The most comfortable I think I felt all day was when Matt and I got into a brief discussion about our families -- he divulged some information and I did the same. I hate talking to people when they don't in turn talk about themselves. That's actually the main reason why I ended up talking to Tissue tonight instead of anyone else that was available. We willingly rant to each other -- and we both listen. We both care. We're not super close knit, nor are we best friends by any means -- but it's more than just the surface. Like a real friend should be.

The anxiety seems to have, more or less, gone away. The thought of getting up early tomorrow to go see my gramma is not a pleasant one, that much I'll say. I would like to see her though, and my mom as well. Especially mama, actually. Part of the reason I didn't want to go tonight was that George was going to be with her -- and I would really much rather just talk to her. At least I don't have to worry about my car for now, I suppose... And my fiasco with driving to Syracuse alone is done and over with, as well.

It's kind of amazing, really, how much of a domino affect one pinpoint of anxiety can do to the rest of my brain. I wish I could shut off my mind sometimes. I think too much and end up feeling... well, usually pretty awful, as a result. I guess I should get some sleep, but I'm a little hesitant to, considering the strange dreams I've been having lately. At least I'm not sick anymore, I suppose, though it was kind of cool to never get tired no matter how little I slept. Sucked waking up drenched in sweat every morning and having to take a shower asap, though.

Well, I think this rambling has done me some good in at least getting my thoughts straight, as it usually does. I don't know why I don't write that much anymore. I get so tongue tied and messed up lately whenever I try to write anything -- I keep telling myself to write something, anything, to get myself back in the swing of things. I just never do.

I'll see if I can do something about this. I hate sitting around and doing nothing, especially when I have a problem looming overhead. Perhaps I'll ask Matt if I can take some time to talk to him tomorrow. Actually talk to him, not ask a couple question then chicken out. Maybe some more time to myself -- without stressing about stupid things -- would do me some good as well.

Oh, life. Why am I so terrible at dealing with you?

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Comments {1}


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from: suspended_chord
date: Apr. 29th, 2011 05:34 am (UTC)

We never talk anymore. Why not? I miss our mutual therapy. You know, out of all the people I talked to in high school, you probably knew the most about me.

Just a thought. You have my screenname, you're my friend on Facebook. I'm here if you need another friend. And whether or not college tears people apart or changes them, I'm there for you. You were a great friend in high school, and I don't know why we have drifted so far apart.

I'll end the mushy stuff now. Just wanted to say that, though.

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